You are not alone

© Jenn Shallvey

You are not alone. At times though you may feel so. As we travel through life we engage from our outer self and less so from our inner self. Yet though we are action of who we are and how we be is coming from inside of us.

For many of us the inner self is a highly private sometimes even unaware place to be.  To pay attention and notice how we are on the inside takes conscious action.  Others may notice but not until they see the physical outward action or sign linked to the inner.

For example. Let’s say you are feeling a bit down. You may feel this inside. Someone could even ask and you say all good, fine, as not in the mood to explain or explore. Yet the person sees you frowning and shoulders slumped. They do not see fine. If it is a close relationship the other person may share this observation. Not so close they will accept your somewhat false statement but register the real physical one.

It could go the other way too. You could equally be super happy and having a fabulous day. Something inside of you is bubbling up with joy and you want to share it with the world. Only your presence is in a place where the custom is to play down your expression and keep things serious.  Maybe it’s a meeting and you need to ‘play it cool’. But you are bursting at the seams with so much joy that you sit with a big smile. Your eyes practically sparkle and your voice lifts with everything you say. Others in your presence may restrict their response but they will feel it. Your energy will be almost contagious.

So two different examples on the spectrum of being you inside and out.

Why share this?

Well of late I have noticed something. There are many people walking around in this world with one state of being inside and another projected into the world. The farther you are away from the other the more you only see what they want you to see. Distance, social media, limitations of other forms of communication, availability, choices in what you share and do not share all contribute to this gap of understanding of others.

There is no right way or wrong way here. I am not judging  the choice. The reason I say this is because ultimately none of us really know what is going on inside of another person - no matter how close you are to each other.  There is always an element of private versus public. There is even a level of awareness within our own self.   Sometimes even with the awareness we still do not understand why or how we are being who we are at the moment.

To enter into a vulnerable place of opening up and sharing is a big step for many. To let people in, to show up as the real you is something you can not take back.  When we are in the midst of an experience whether positive or not we often need to process within.

I noticed over the years how certain forums allowed us to reveal more about our selves. It is seemingly safer to reveal in a medium of exchange that is one way rather than in person. It is also sometimes even trendy to share in a certain way to be seen as ‘authentic’.  As someone who talks about authenticity a lot I have never been a supporter of oversharing. I feel that what is most important is that our internal and external selves are as aligned as possible. Yet the journey of personal growth means this will not be the case.

Likewise we can project a persona that we want others to see, not the whole or real person inside.  We see this a lot where there are curated moments that make our life perfect. Others only see the perfection, not the rest. But there is a lot going on behind the scenes.  Sometimes this is intentional to portray an image. Other times it is to protect a vulnerable state. It can also be respectful of others who may not want to be publicly on display. We all have different levels of outward expression.  Likewise we all have different levels of inward growth and change happening.

There are often parallel lives going on. You may be growing and learning on the inside yet living as the old you on the outside. People that know you and see you reinforce the behaviour of old. Yet inside you are not the same person you once were.  How do you reconcile the two?

Firstly you step out of judgement. There is again no right nor wrong here. Your fast paced personal growth spurt does not have to match everyone else. Sometimes others are not inclined to do any personal growth whether self initiated or prompted by circumstances. This is again a choice and results in a different way of living life that is neither bad nor good.  So to handle the growing chasm of difference it is important to develop an acceptance of the other no matter where they are at in their life. Equally it is important to develop and acceptance for your changing self.

The result may be that you grow in a new direction and the other stays static. Or you both grow in different directions. Or even the other fast tracks and grows faster than you.  The shifting state of being of you and others means you will connect well on some levels and maybe not on others. And as you change inside and shift unless the other is along with you on that journey you will likely feel less of a connection. Well at least the connection will change. Because you changed all that you are connected too will change.

So we are back to this concept of what is inside of you does not always match what is outside.  The more you are comfortable being the real you, the one that is inside of you, and you integrate and shift your way of expressing you, others will connect or not. You will notice. Some might naturally step away. Others will enter your life that previously you did not know. It is a dance of being.  On another level it is an unseen vibration of energy. You either resonate or you don’t. Nothing right or wrong about either.

Take for example the experience of not seeing a young child or teenager for awhile. Perhaps a relative or someone you know.  Then after a big gap in time you see them. Of course because of their age they will have changed on the outside considerably. This almost goes without saying. But what also is happening at a rapid pace is they are changing on the inside.

Think back to when you were young. You were learning all the time. Learning knowledge, modelling and or rejecting cultural ways of being, processing experiences, becoming more emotionally self aware, seeing new perspectives and understanding others.  All the time you were learning who you are as a person. You were developing a sense of self. This sense of self then allowed you to seek out that which you wanted in life, connected you to others and shaped your actions.

Now fast forward to your life now. You are still learning, right? Just as you keep physically changing, you also keep changing emotionally, mentally and spiritually. All of us are on paths of growth. Some of us choose to be more conscious and active in the process and others less so.

As you read this post I am assuming you reflect a bit more on your experience. It is this ability to reflect and develop personal self understanding that is what empowers us. Not only can you be stronger in your sense of self you also can have greater empathy for others.

It is from this place of self understanding that I see us being kinder and more compassionate with others. Hard to do at times. Our emotional selves can hijack our personality in a moment if we are triggered. These triggers are opportunities to learn yet sometimes our learning is long term. It becomes a part of our journey and not so much the lesson of the moment.

So knowing that you go through these experiences, I do too, so do others. We all do.  This is where we can get to a shared understanding of others in our world. This does not mean we condone all actions. It does mean that we can see with understanding where another is coming from.

And here is where it gets so tricky. We do not know what is going on inside of others. We make assumptions. Assumptions couched in cultural or societal expectations become judgements. Shared assumptions become shared judgements. Soon we are a long way away from seeing the humanity in another person. Instead we are judge and jury and decided everything about them.

What do I suggest?  I have contemplated this for a long time. I especially do when I get drawn into an emotional trigger and let it have the best of me.  There are multiple ways and approaches. For purposes of simplicity here are just a few insights to consider.

Stop and check yourself.

The second you realise that you are choosing or by habit being in a way that could be harmful to you, harmful to others through either judgement, thought, expression or action - stop. Stop and reflect. Stop and ponder. Wonder to yourself why am I doing this right now? What is happening in me that prompted this reaction? Is it one that I want to continue? If yes, then why? If no, then how do I not continue? Over time some areas you focus on will be easier to manage others not so.  The insights you gain though help you navigate more how to be you in situations where you may feel challenged. Likewise you can be stronger in others and be an example.

Is it me or is it the other person?

Whether we are aware of it or not we can sense other people’s energy. Some of us more so than others. The more you are sensitive the more likely you will do what I call ‘pick up on others’.  Caring so much you might take on more than empathy warrants. You may feel too much. Emotions are not contagious yet they can be so strong sometimes that they affect us.  It takes a bit to self manage so that we hold ourselves in tact and still can support others.  There is much more involved in this type of development that is not for a blog post. More a skill to practice and develop.  For purposes of this technique it helps to check in and be clear. If you are the one who is holding the energy that needs attention you will then know by asking and listening to yourself. Then you can address with another action. If not then you can manage your boundaries and self care to adjust.

Out of my head into my heart.

This adjustment complements the other two. Being in the head can sometimes perpetuate thoughts that are not supportive nor helpful. Yes we all like a good whinge. We also fall into gossip at times, or a lot.  Sometimes just the way news or stories are presented you can get caught up in the drama. Knowing how much external forces can drag us down and out of alignment with our true self it is nice to have a reset button. Consciously seeing a situation, person, the world, whatever it is through the heart is your reset button.  I have mentioned this many other times. For a refresher the easiest and most effective practice is simple breathing. Conscious focus on your heart. Breathing in and out slowly and focusing on your heart at the same time. If you are still not feeling the love and joy then bring into your awareness a memory or positive trigger that shifts you into love and joy. Then hold that in your awareness while you breath in and out imaging the breath going in and out of your heart.  Then reconnect to the situation, person etc with the heart feeling and see if you can hold a different energy. It may help, may not. What happens is further insight to explore.

This post is one to help you be comfortable being you in all situations.  The intent is to help you to also find empathy and acceptance of others especially knowing you never have the full story about a person’s life.  There is more that I want to say on this and I will. Perhaps a podcast episode. For now I invite you to practice navigating your personal growth experiences with compassion for both you and others.