Listening for Meaning
© Jenn Shallvey
Listening
How often do you truly listen to what others speak and say? Just for purposes of this post consider anytime you are in a conversation with another you are listening when you are not talking. Sounds self explanatory yet so often it is not done.
We are all non listeners at times. It is a part of being human. No one is perfect. So from this real life person starting point of sometimes it happens how is your listening?
Perhaps start with understanding what true listening is like. I define listening as attention to the other person with intent of understanding. This applies for all people whether hard of hearing or not. It is more than the sound of what a person has come out of their mouth. It is the meaning of the message.
To truly listen to another means clearing our own mind of thoughts, distractions and other tangental ideas that take us away from seeking to understand another. This type of listening, genuine listening, is a learned skill. It is not something that happens easily.
I liken listening to conversational meditation. When we meditate we aim to clear our mind of thoughts and focus on for example our breathing. Well in a conversation we are doing the same. Only instead of the focus being internal and breath it is on the other person. It is on all aspects of what is happening. This includes words spoken, body language, non words, gestures etc. It is about tuning in completely to the other person.
What if you are listening to a person but have no visual or are limited in your vision. You of course can not see the cues and non verbal display. Your listening must ramp up a bit. You listen even more for the conversation pace, tone, etc.
Either way the full engagement with another through listening means 100% going into their world to truly understand where they are coming from. Not easy. A lot can get in the way. No matter how ‘trained’ one is in listening, our passion, emotions and excitement can sway us into our world. Real conversations are still about sharing of views and thoughts. But if only one matters then it is not a conversation. And in terms of listening if the other is not heard it is not a conversation either.
Why is it important for us to listen well? I believe that in our current times we are more and more becoming one directional talking points. Whether online, in social media, through texts, emails etc our conversations are disjointed. We are not in flow with the meaning of people. Many ‘conversations’ are reduced to thought grabs and sound bites. We are observers and commentators more than engagers. As we switch back and forth between two way conversation and one way exchange of information we need to be more mindful than ever of listening for understanding.
To start we need to have a positive intent. This means holding in our awareness the genuine desire to hear and understand another. This position is vastly different from wanting to get an ‘opinion heard’ or ‘a point of view across’. Though when impassioned and excited (as I know) we can veer off a bit, ok a lot. Having the positive intent means coming back to the why of a conversation.
As a check consider some recent conversations and reflect on your level of engagement. Some ways to qualitatively assess might include noting how often you jumped in before the other person finished speaking. Or maybe in your mind you had your point to get across and impatiently waited your turn. Then what about times when you felt truly engaged? In such situations you wanted to hear more, asked questions and continued on the point of the conversation naturally with ease. Notice what prompted you to respond the way you did.
Another measure is to gauge the emotional loading of a conversation. When our emotions rise and increase we move out of a place of self awareness and control. We can then be equally unaware of the other person’s experience. Looking and listening for cues helps to mitigate. Still the higher the level of emotion the lesser the level of listening and effective communication.
Sometimes though we just need to be heard. Other times we just need to listen. Such one way conversations are therapeutic in nature as long as the other person is in on it. A venting or rant can harm the unexpected unready recipient. A lack of silence to another needing to be heard can constrict expression.
Listening is still key no matter the side of a conversation. It is a way to show care. Collectively more meaningful listening might lead to more shared understanding and acceptance of others. Wouldn’t that be nice.