From hiding to self acceptance

© Jenn Shallvey

Blog post is also shared as podcast episode 16. Link below.

I speak today from my heart with a message that I feel is for all who choose to connect with me, choose to read what I write and choose to listen to what I share. The offer of myself in service to others is a simple act to be in this world, helping, making a difference. My ego is not attached to this service yet because of who I am, and like you, my personality is. I find that the effort of putting myself out there is so challenging sometimes that I don't do it at all. And it is a painful, emotional place for me when I realise that internally, I hold myself back, yet again.

But I'm sharing this message today because I have a feeling that there might be a few of you out there just like me, who hide rather than be seen. And then inside of you is a heart bursting with love and kindness and caring and compassion, wanting to make a difference in this world. And that you like me perhaps also struggle with this internal battle of stepping forward.

This is not the first time I have written about this. This is not the first time I have shared that this occurs within me. I've been very vocal about it in some of my past podcasts and writing. I'm sharing it again today because it is so easy to give up. It is so, so easy to just say, 'Oh, whatever, I don't care' and just put your hands up in the air and run away from it all. It's just so easy. Isn't it? It's really easy to escape into an endless stream of TV or video or something, whatever distracts you, things to do.

Yet the big glaring elephant in the room that's standing right in front of you is that you have work to do that is going to help other people and so therefore, why are you not doing it? Then come the excuses, the barrage of excuses. 'Oh, but there was this and that and this and that.' In fact, I'm not even going to list them because I don't want to name those excuses, for they are there chomping at my heels, trying to pull me back. Always there, the excuses, the patterns and habits of self-sabotage, the reasons that I can provide and put forward that justify the non-action as opposed to the action.

I went to my journal the other day to look at what my word for the year was and I laughed. I laughed so hard because the word I put in my journal for this year was 'action'. And I looked at it thinking so many people probably also put words in their journals in the beginning of the year and are probably looking at their journals and laughing like me. And I laugh because if I don't laugh, then I'll probably cry. And if I cried, then I'd take myself back into another one of those spaces, which isn't healthy, isn't healing and isn't for anybody's good.

So I put this out there to say, I'm sure, just like you, I started my year with the greatest of intentions to do all kinds of things this year. And just like you, the world threw up a few challenges, not to be named, but are clearly obvious. And the risk that I, and many of you probably are encountering is to blame or use this year as an excuse. So I'm here to say, don't let this year be an excuse. It's simply an experience that has happened to all of us that we all share. And behind this common shared experience are other personal unexpected experiences that have also occurred that perhaps threw you off course or changed your direction or challenged you just like, I have been. They are private, personal, not needed to be named.

Perhaps a few of your close friends, just like me, or partners, know of these travails that are hidden, but therefore always present and challenging you. They also know your potential. The people that are close to you that are still close to you know. They also know of your achievements or your, I don't know if you want to call it that because it's like ticking off a list again. They know what you are capable of. They have seen you in your peak. They have seen you in your prime. And if they have seen you then maybe what's missing is you seeing you. And that is why I'm writing this because I don't see my potential sometimes, or I should say a lot of times. I don't see the achievements. I don't see the difference I have made. I have to go past the barriers and challenges that I create in my life to see that. I need to give myself permission.

Yet when I do, when I stop and say, wow, did I really do that? Did I? Did I really do that? That's pretty amazing. Without any ego attached to it, just simply and self acknowledgement, a self loving acceptance, and sort of self pat on the back. And then you realise that, 'Oh, there's so much more of that within me to give and share'. So I wonder what that's like for you. What is in your achievements, your capability, your gifts, that you haven't yet shown the world that's not out there yet or has been, but keeps going back?

I'll give you an example of something that really hit me. Well, it hits me all the time. Whenever anybody says to me, 'Oh, I really liked that podcast', or 'I really liked that post you put up on Instagram', or 'I really like what you said in that blog post', I have for a long time stopped and said, ‘do they really mean it? Are they sure?’ I'm not like I used to be, which was all the time dismissing myself. Now, sometimes I go, 'Oh yeah, that was actually pretty good.' But that's a learned behaviour that I've had to work on to get to that. Because there was no way I could actually believe that I was truly capable of doing something that somebody else would regard highly.

Yet now I know, and it's still a learning that I'm on every day, that what I put out or what I do or what I offer or how I serve is going to go to those with whom it resonates. And even some of the people in that category, that bucket may resonate today and may not resonate tomorrow and that's okay. But it's taken me a really long time to get to understand that. And I'm sharing this again because I imagine that quite a few of you who are also committed to personal growth, development, like myself, that you go through changes and phases, where what you have done in the world or put out there has changed. And maybe those people in your world who resonated in the past, don't resonate now. Or maybe they shift and they come back and resonate. There's so much in that isn't there.

But I'm really sharing all of this because I feel that if we are going to truly be kind and caring and compassionate and loving to the people in our world, we need to do that with our self too. And I was really made aware of this the other day when I was talking to a person who I knew through somebody else. And as I stood there talking and speaking and listening and chatting, I realised how far apart our lives and our worlds were simply because of the circumstances of our birth and our upbringing and our choices of how we dealt with each of those things. And me being farther along in my journey did not make me better or worse. It just meant that I had spent a lot more time and had the gift and opportunity to do that, to heal wounds of the past.

But I could see in this person the wounds of the past being very current. And they weren't wounds of the past, they were still wounds of the current. We talk about healing ourselves, but if you are in the midst of the wounds happening, it's really challenging to heal them while they are occurring.

So my heart just went out to this person as I watched and observed and heard the story unfolding. And what I could see was a beautiful, amazing person in pain. What I could see was this bright spark of light, waiting to find her place in life when this would be time for her to step forward and shine. But right now I could see the struggle. And it was her struggle, not mine. I'm there if that person needs support. I'm there if that person wants to talk or get help, but I'm not there to rescue or be the one who fixes it. And it took me a long time to learn that for my work.

But when I was in her shoes, when I was going through the same exact experience of pain in the moment, not in the past, I was the victim. I could only see myself as the victim. And in that space, all I could see was the world owed me something. The world had to fix it for me. And I carried around in me an inordinate amount of anger and frustration. 

And I could see that in this person. But it didn't dim the light of this person. It didn't dim the strength and courage and resilience this person presented to me. Oh, I wish I could give her a trophy for the amount of courage and resilience she shows in the face of what is in her life. And her story is quite extreme. And of course it's personal so therefore I can't share the details. But I wonder if you have a little bit of that in you right now, just like me and everybody else. And where are you in your journey?

Are you still in the place where it's raw, current and you are the victim? Or are you past that place but somehow you keep reverting into that place of victim? That is what I'm noticing, is that we are so entwined with our story from the past, that, that pain, that feeling, that realness will keep coming back to us until we heal it or work with it.

Now let's say you have worked with it. And like me, you are in this next phase of your journey where you are saying, I can speak about it, I can talk about it, I can be with it without being drawn back into the emotion of it, and I can learn from it. That's an amazing place to be in when you have moved past your victim, into acceptance and sitting there with what's happened in your life and think I can learn from that and I'm now doing things differently because of it. That is amazing. But we never acknowledge that. Do we?

I noticed this because so many of us have stories that are unique, are especially painful. And we walk around carrying that with us. And it can be triggered and it can be reopened and re- traumatised, or re I don't know what the right word is, but it's just, it's very easy sometimes for us to re connect to that. It takes a whole other level to say, yes, that has happened to me and I'm okay. In fact, I'm not just okay, I'm amazing. And that, that thing that happened to me did not destroy who I am.

So this year with so many challenges and pain points and traumas and experiences that we have never been through before, there is a window of healing. There is a window of acceptance. And there's a window of stepping forward coming out of this. So I'm sharing this message now because we're at the end of a year and stepping into a new one, and I don't care what you say about the trivial nature of end of year and new year. It is still a very powerful time to stop, reflect, accept, and move forward into the next.

I love this time of year. I acknowledge this time of year as one of celebration and of letting go. I acknowledge this time of year as one of giving and kindness, no matter your religious persuasion, no matter your belief system. I just consider this the season of kindness and giving. So as we come to the end of this year, as we celebrate with each other, in some way, no matter the circumstances, whether we are at home and not able to go somewhere or free to travel, celebrate you. Celebrate the life you do have. Celebrate what you have within you and around you. Celebrate it, acknowledge it. Really, truly, genuinely appreciate it. Then see how that can be shared with others. Even if it's the tiniest littlest way. See how you can share that with others. I know that's my struggle and my opportunity, therefore, I'm sure I'm not too different from you, and you have equally a struggle and an opportunity in the same breath.

So I'll finish this with one last statement. I don't know you because you are reading this. It may be somebody I know or don't know, but I know in my heart of hearts, that somewhere inside of you is also an amazing person. And I know that each of us who reads this because of your alignment with the writing and the voice that I'm sharing will be in a place where you have so much love and kindness to give and share. And you have such an amazing amount of talent in some area that is just waiting to burst forth and be shared. It's your time. It's our time. It's all of our time to step forward and give, offer, show with kindness, authenticity, and genuine compassion. So I'll leave you with this message. And I hope that your time is one of kindness, loving and amazing inspiration.