Stories we tell

© Jenn Shallvey

See yourself as an author. You are an author of your life. As you sit down to write, begin to ask yourself the question, what would I write? If you were to pen the story of your life, how might it begin? What would be the beginning, middle and end, as they say, in your story? What would you write about in sharing your story?

Of course, your ego may step in and challenge you with thoughts of ‘who would read my story?’ or ‘does it even matter?’ 

Put this unreal internal dissent aside and start with you. You have a story. We all have stories. Your life is a story. It is one that not only teaches you, but also teaches others through your example, wisdom, insight and learning. While you travel through your life and build your own narrative, so may others be noticing that same.  

 Accessing your story

A suggestion at the start. Take a moment to tune in right now to where that story resides within you. Do you feel it in a place in your being, in your body and yourself? For example, it may be in your ‘heart’ or somewhere different. Where do you feel your story resides? In this exercise imagine there is a place within you that is akin to a ‘story holder’.  It is not your brain, your mind or your thought.  Many perceive thoughts as the only place your story lives. No. Your story is all of you, every single aspect of you. 

For example just taking a moment to look at your right elbow may elicit at story. Yes on the surface this idea sounds silly, but the link is a trigger and prompt to reveal, unleash and invite.  One person might have a story derived from the memory such as being a child running down a hill of grass. Then in this story the child stumbles and falls, landing on the right elbow.  Maybe that fall was preceded by tripping on something. This person discovers the problem to be a rock, but not any rock, a special one, at least to this person. The rock was a marker for a special occasion. This person casually decided to keep the rock, put it in a box, which still lays hidden away in a closet with other mementos. Now of course there would be more meaning and detail to this apparently trivial story but not relevant here. The key is that the story came from a simple connection to one’s right elbow.

Of course you are also likely realising that there are many ways to access your story. Yet the first question would be why?  Why would you want to? What is it about your story that matters?  

Well, it matters because you tell your story, whether you say it out loud or not. Your story comes through in your actions, gestures, thinking, beliefs, emotions, etc. You tell your story in everything you do. Sometimes the story becomes more than you. Sometimes those stories may or may not be supportive of you.  As your own storyteller then it is important to consider how you tell stories about yourself. There are many different typesof stories you could be telling about yourself?

A spectrum to consider

Start with the idea that there is a spectrum of false to true. You have in your own world, your own fake news. You have your own broadcast of things that you make as clickbait and headlines in your own life that you use to set yourself off, whether consciously or not. These items come from many sources and places in your life. Not all these sources are the best to be grabbing headlines from. 

Working with the idea of the false-true spectrum you can understand where you are in the context of a story. First you become aware in the midst of a story - eg ‘I'm telling this about myself’, or ‘I'm recalling this about myself’, or ‘I'm feeling this right now about myself’. Then imagine that you were to tell somebody this story. Could you say it is true? 

If your answer is yes, then you say, great, it is true. 

If it is not, then this is not bad either because it still leads to insight. If it is not true then ask yourself ‘why am I telling this story that is not true?’  It is not really who you are.  Seeing this perspective will take you to the next level of awareness.  Perhaps you do not know. 

Another example. Suppose a person starts telling a story about an occurrence in their life, and they begin to drag into the story a bit about being a victim. They say things like 'Oh, that person always did this to me. And this is what they did, and so on.’ The crux of the story is this person blames another for something the person did in their own life.  

This blame is a point carried around, repeated and retold for a long time. Over time, it is hard to know if it is true or not.  No one asks did this person really cause this situation to happen in the other person’s life?  Did the other actually make them do what they did or to create that experience inside of their self about that happening? 

Maybe in your life there is something. Perhaps when you were younger people used to call you names or made fun of you, directly or indirectly.  It is possible you took that on board in your heart and really believed that about yourself. This scenario is fairly common so you are not alone. You could probably swap tales about the things that people have said about you. 

Yet what if you believed these external criticisms and judgements about yourself and it was not true? That is the question, again. Is this true?  

Or what happens when someone says something that is not nice about you that is actually true? You have to ask is it all true, is it always true or is it just in that one instant that it is being perceived as true by that person? 

So there is the spectrum. It is not as easy as true vs false.

The unseen truth

As you can see there are many dynamics and layers around asking yourself whether the story that you tell yourself is true or not. If it is true, the work is to discern the boundary around that truth. Because if you are in a belief about yourself and it only is a tiny little microscopic part of who you are, but you make it into something bigger than that, then why would you do that to yourself?

Then on the other side what about the stories that are true about you that are wonderful, affirming, magnificent, but you do not think they are true. You say they are false. For example, say a genuinely caring person does some work for somebody, whether paid or volunteer. They might be a person in some sort of personal service, the health area, and provide a service that is very necessary. Somebody praises their work and provides specifics of a job well done.  Instead of receiving the praise and accepting it the person goes into their own fake news reel.  In their own mind they tell themselves things like ‘they are not good enough or that there are others better, or the other person wants something and does not mean it.’ Some can get quite creative developing a long list of justification of why another could be telling a story of them being fabulous and they do not believe it. 

There is another end to untruth in a story that reaffirms you, but it is the other way around. If right, and possible, ask the person why and for examples. Then rather than defensively denying, you accept it all and sit with it.  Your acceptance and receipt of the praise as possible truth rather than rejecting outright, allows it to reinforce who you are. This story becomes an affirmation of the work you are doing.  

These are examples of how stories we tell ourselves about us can be true, but we may not see the truth for whatever reason. 

Stories not told

Then there are stories that are in others about us that are not told but might need to be.  It would be helpful if you knew. so very true, but perhaps not easy to tell.  It could be silly or really serious. 

For purposes of this post let's not make this too serious. For example what if people think you smell.  You walk into a room and they do not know what to do about it, but they think you smell and they can not tell you. You think you are fine, but for some reason, people think you give off an odour that makes you quite offensive and no one tells you. You do wonder why they stand back from you. Every time you walk into a room, it is like you have this odour, you could imagine one of those cartoons where there is green cloud of gas floating around you but you do not see it.

It is likely that instead of telling you directly the story about you goes around that you smell. The only one not in on the story is you. Why is it that people would be avoidant in telling the true story on such a matter? More so, what if the untold true story is more difficult and challenging?  

It comes back to why, why are we not able to share stories with people or accept stories in a way that makes them valid, healthy, real and supportive? It comes back to the intention. It comes back to why we do something. If someone is going to tell you a story about yourself, about what they think about you, where are they coming from in telling you that? Is it because of a genuine interest in your own good or it an ulterior motive?  Likewise, why would you tell yourself or agree to a story about yourself that is not true? What do you get out of it?

So you see there is a deeper level to this story-telling.  It is important from a self point of view as the more we twist our own stories, the harder it is for others to really know who we are. If we do not know who we are, then how can they, so the authenticity gap begins to become broader and wider. Without authenticity in the equation there arises an opportunity for misunderstanding, trust issues, limited connection in relationships.  

Telling stories about others

Think of people you might know at work, who you really know, you need to get along with and you really want to get along with.  Do you talk about them behind their back? Do you say things that you would never say to their face? Well, you walk around thinking that everywhere you go.  

These days we are not talking as much to people in person so imagine it is a video call and you are on conference or you are on the phone. Do you get off phone and then call up somebody else right away and say, ‘Oh my gosh, I was talking to so and so. And did you know, blah, blah, blah…’ Well, you're telling stories about that person without them knowing. As the story-teller What is the intention, reason?

Sometimes when we look at people, we see ourselves in them and we do not see the things we want to see in ourselves. If it is possible this is the reason look in the mirror for a second and say, does that actually apply to me? Could somebody else be saying that about me?

The above points are about helping to raise awareness about the various aspects of the stories people tell about others. Whilst ideally it does not matter what others think about us it does help to be clear in communication. Consider more what influences the story telling – acceptance and non-judgement or emotions and judgement.

Stories you tell your self

Put aside for now the stories others tell. Think about what you say about your own self, that no one else hears you say, that little voice inside of you that talks to you about you. No one else is in that conversation except for you. So what kind of conversation are you having with yourself all day long? Is it one that is helpful, healthy and whole, or is it one that undermines you, distracts you, deceives you, hurts you harms you. Where are you in that? Are you telling yourself things that hurt you or perpetuate a place of less? Or are you actually telling yourself about things that tell you more of you? Because if you want to be a whole and authentic person and truly be aligned and centred in who you are consistent with that, then start with what you say to yourself inside your head.

This is conscious work on yourself that necessitates focused genuine inner attention.  No distractions. Be with your thoughts. You have to turn off and disconnect to actually say ‘hello’ to yourself. Then notice what you saying to yourself before you do something, go somewhere, answer the phone or write an email. What happens within you?  

This is the story to work with. The aim is get your story of yourself transformed into one that is supportive, real, honest, coming from a higher place, nonjudgmental of yourself, kind and forgiving. Because if you can get to that place in yourself, then it is so much easier to turn around and do that with other people.

So we start there and then you also look at the way you are speaking about other people, thinking about other people, telling stories about other people. So we've gone through a lot in this, and it is about the story you tell. It's about the truth of stories, about the authenticity of stories. 

A way to play with this more

Let’s bring this back to an exercise that you can now do to play with this concept to make it fun, to make it interesting. Pretend again that you are the author of your own story and it is a compilation of chapters.  It is not just a chapter about you. It is a chapter about other people too. 

Pretend you are the author doing your research going about the place noticing what is happening. What story am I telling myself about this situation? You catch yourself thinking and check the nature of the thinking – supportive? Helpful? Constructive? Or not? Is it actually a story that you are telling that is going to contribute to the situation even if it is tough or difficult?  even if it's difficult.

A test of sorts.  Now imagine you are out having a coffee with a friend and you start to talk about people, which we all do. What are you saying about those people?  Catch yourself having a conversation. What are you writing about this non present person? There is a normal need for connection, sharing and processing of thoughts out loud with another. Yet the way you tell your story or the story of others matters.   

Are you being harmful to or respectful of yourself? Are you being harmful to or respectful of others. How much caring, kindness, consideration is present? 

Write/record your observations in your own notes (not necessarily the content of the discussion). Highlight the ones where you were being supportive, constructive and helpful. Look at the balance of your focus and intention. Is there a lot highlighted? Maybe check in once a day with this one and review. 

You are beginning to form chapters. Stories we tell about our selves. Stories we tell about others. Stories we tell about family, politics etc.

Soon you will notice what triggers or see trends of when you to go into stories that work and do not work for either you or others.   

So why bother? 

Will this really make a difference? Well, it depends on the intention and genuine commitment. Any effort can go towards helping our world be a better place. Just the act of starting to tell better stories about ourselves and others is a step in the right direction. A glance or deep dive online is all you need as a reminder of our descent into stories that hurt and harm.  Could what we tell in our stories be done differently, be more supportive? 

The gist of this consideration is to tell better stories for the benefit of all. 

Fast forward. Imagine the stories that you want to tell yourself or for others to tell about you. Not from an ego or narcissistic point of view. Instead look at the stories that become you. What is that story? What would you like it to be? What would you like someone else to tell? Because that story has not yet been written and that is exciting.  There are past stories. Yes. There present stories. But the future ones have yet to been written. May you learn from your past, practice in the present and clearly and confidently shape your future with the stories you tell.