Personal growth with my bookshelf

© Jenn Shallvey

Following from the post about ‘Letting Go of Things’, I share a personal example of a letting go experience with books.

My love has always been books. Not so much fiction books. For a long time I have enjoyed self help, spiritual and mindfulness books. When working in corporate roles I immersed myself in management and leadership books.  As a young and mature age student I welcomed and learned from the books relevant to my studies. In my youth books were more an escape and discovery so I read lots of fiction. I have been in a relationship with books for as long as I can recall. There is a part of me that also wants to be the creator of books so that I can make a difference through a book to someone like me.  This means there are also books that I collected as ideas and inspiration.

Over the years I collected lots of books and equally have let go of many.  As you can see there were phases where the books came in, they served their purpose and then they left. But for a long time, I would not let them go. For example, my parents had boxes of books in their garage that they kept for me.  These boxes were filled with university textbooks, readers, even my childhood books.  There was a window opened for me to let them go but instead I simply transplanted them to my garage. 

I still have some of these books. I wondered why.  They take me back to a time when I was a student, the idealist and learner for the sake of learning. The breadth of classes I took included classical english, arts, sociology, anthropology and other explorative thought provoking topics. Even now I am thrilled I had the opportunity to study all these things. So I actually kept quite a few of the books from those studies because they reminded me that at one point in my life, I lived as an academic and I could read, talk about and write in depth essays on subjects that now might be a passing item in an online search result. In that time it was such a great immersion and chance to find me and what was not me.  

I had other books from studying premed for a while – chemistry, organic chemistry, physics and biology. I remember the day I let go of those. It was quite a cathartic one because I sat there and accepted that I did not go in that direction. It was not me as studying these topics felt more a chore than a passion. These books represent one phase.

Later in life I started other development. Branching out of my initial profession and other qualifications and feeling quite inadequate I perceived that if I got a book and I read it I would be smarter. I thought I would know it because I was already qualified in one degree and then qualified in a profession that was unrelated to the things I was now studying. The books were somehow magically going to help me find my way. 

So I had a period of time early in my corporate career where books made it to my shelf because I felt that I should know what is in the book in order to do my job. It worked because that is how I presented myself to others who valued the same external knowledge. I remember going to meetings, quoting these books, saying, this is what I heard so and so said I should say.  The books backed me up rather than myself.

I look back now and realise how much I was trying to prove that I knew what I was doing by validating through others. Changing roles or changing jobs created insecurities despite evidence to the contrary.  On paper I already had a degree that went on for five and a half years, a qualification in a profession, a postgraduate diploma. I studied towards other qualifications as I just kept going. I had done so much study to prove that I knew what I was doing. I kept seeing knowledge acquired in books as the only answer. So a lot of my bookshelf just had heaps of books that screamed at me ‘you should know this’. If I faced a crisis or self doubt (and I still do this sometimes today out of habit) I went to the bookstore.  A bit of a weakness that helped out the book industry.

For example there was the new parent challenge when we had our first child (now 23!). I had a whole shelf dedicated to this new role. Serving both a practical and psychological purpose each book helped me in some way. I was desperate for knowledge and I just needed answers because I had to somehow feel like I had control over this completely uncontrollable event in my life. Later in life, when I went through one of my first grieving experiences, I bought all the books on grieving. Professionally I remember securing new consulting work with industries that I did not have first hand experience. So I got books on the industries as if magically reading would make me an expert. To be kind to myself I actually do care enough to learn what I can so maybe not that misguided. Yet searching for answers from a place of less than or lack is not a positive place to start. 

Somewhere in the middle of peak book acquisition I also started on a more in depth personal development process.  I began to realise that prioritising the pursuit of knowledge acquisition over trusting my own insight meant I devalued me, my experience and my way of seeing the world. This awareness came out of a journey that you do not just do overnight. I did not suddenly go, ‘oh I value myself’. It was a long process. 

Letting go occurred in conjunction with the way that I have managed my library of books. As one who evolves, grows, reinvents there were many phases when I said, ‘I'm no longer this person. This is okay. I am on to the next phase of my life. I choose to step into this new path. Therefore, these books no longer are relevant for me. And of all things they definitely do not define me.’

In this changing state, I reverted often to seeing the bookshelf as a way of defining who I am. Even though I knew it didn’t, there is a part of me that felt what was on my bookshelf mattered. But the books still represent a phase, journey or part of personal growth. 

Then I started to acquire and read books that were completely different than ones I had before. These books can only be described as woo hoo or to most people just out there. The more different they were the more I wanted to read them.  I was having so much fun discovering all these new authors and their books. It dawned on me that I was heading down a new path of learning, one that was no longer directly relevant but about a whole new way of being.  It was the opposite of being academic. I was reading lots of personal development books and stories from people who shifted and changed.

I remember looking at some of the authors and publication details only to realise that I used to live in the same town where many were publishing.  Yet back then never once did any of these make it to my bookshelf.  Why? Because at that time in my life I was not ready for this level of growth nor open to other ideas.  It is fascinating to realise this – that it is a matter of timing and when you are ready for learning that the author or book shows up. Yes I know that expression when the student is ready, the teacher appears. Well in this case it happened to be a lot of books jumped off the bookshop shelves.

I loved going to bookshops partly to discover and also to immerse myself in the possibilities.  You can walk into a bookshop, especially the big ones, and get lost amongst the stacks.  Think to yourself where would you go? What sections would you visit?   In the past I would walk in so many different places.  Where I walked 30, 20 or even 10 years ago is different than where I would walk now.  Like you there are some sections that I will never go in but clearly are there for others.  Other sections I could just sit in forever.  

I still look at all of this as a process of letting go, because there are so many aspects of me that were ceremoniously released when I let go of those books, when I gave myself permission to say, I am no longer defined by them. 

The most recent letting go process has evolved.   Being at home a lot more than normal because of this strange year we are in, I was aware even more of my environment. My stuff was feeling heavy and I had this desire to let go of what seemed to be holding me back. I walked around the house like a human divining rod feeling in me what was positive and not. I felt for what needed clearing of attachment whether I kept them or not.  Not the figurines, no I am not attached to them anymore. Not the furniture. I am not attached to that anymore. It was my bookshelf. Even though I have managed to reduce my bookshelves to just two, I looked at these two bookshelves and just thought I have crammed in too many books in there.

Then I started asking myself questions. Why do I have all those books? Do I really need or want all these books? Why am I holding onto them? And I really sat a lot with this and contemplated, why am I still stuck with this? 

The words that kept coming up for me for some were those old familiar ones – “I kept this because I used to feel like I should read or have this book or that one so I have it still on my shelf”.  If someone were to ask me, have I read it? I would say no, but I am going to and at least I had it on the shelf. But I do not feel that way anymore. I am not feeling the need to prove myself with the book list anymore.  So why keep the books?

This realisation that I am not defined by the books I read is profound given my life long attachment to books. To genuinely feel like it no longer matters whether I know what that books says or not is a big deal.  

I decided to do a clearing of the shelves again. I did not do the Marie Kondo thing – I did that one years ago.  I also passed on the feng shui decluttering techniques I applied in another culling.  No. I just sat down and looked at the books and appreciated their role in my journey so far. Then I took each one and asked myself ‘Do I want to re-experience you again, in some way, shape or form, no judgement on whether I read it or not, or whether I need to read it again. Just simply do I want to continue to experience this book in my life?”

I asked that question from such a different place. It was not about attachment anymore. It is about relationship. It is about story that I want to continue to develop and that I am still shaping as part of me. The book I keep is still part of that journey and it might come back into my conversation again. Yes I picked up each book. Some I thought to myself, even exclaimed out loud ‘wow, yeah, ooh, this one is fun’.  Others claimed a space because I could see it being fun and interesting to talk about with someone. Others included the ‘Oh, I loved reading that one and I would love to read it again, and if someone ever wanted to come and borrow it from me I would definitely loan it out.” And yes, there are still some I have not read but are there because I want to not because someone says I ‘should’. I had all variety experiences. 

What surprised me the most were the authors I was letting go of. Some were a key part of a phase in my life.  Though I had almost every single book some of them had published it was time to let go as I did not resonate with the work anymore. I appreciated how they really helped me at that time. Now it was time to send them off because they could do better helping someone else.  I kept one or two of the books that I treasured and I can go to that author and look at a book of that author and still connect to the experience. That was a great journey. Yes there are still a few authors on my bookshelf that I have every book as clearly not time to part yet.  

Finally there are still, yes still, a few books from that original box of books left in my parents’ garage so many years ago.  What interests me and excites me is the opportunity for personal growth that awaits in letting go of these. I treasure their memories and meaning now. Yet I know sometime in the future I will be ready to let go of these too. Knowing that means I know I will evolve and grow into an even more expanded and less attached person than I am now.  

I noticed as well in this exercise that what I have on my bookshelf is about choice. No need to explain or justify. The choice is mine. There is a sense of freedom in that knowing as well.

Then there is room for new as well. The bookshop still calls like a kind and caring siren telling me there is more to experience.  I notice the new additions of late. Running a session online the other day I asked the question ‘what was the last book you read?’  In asking the question and answering myself it made me think.  Even though I have let go of books, I also have new ones. The iterations and evolution of my bookshelf are endless just as I am as a person. 

No matter the context, the reframing of letting go by asking a different question shifts the energy. It is not so much ‘Why am I attached?’ but more about ‘What do I want to experience as me now in my life and why?’.  It goes beyond the sparking of joy, to connection, a connection within that is both energetic and meaningful to just me, no one else. There is a wisdom piece to this as well, of me knowing somewhere inside of myself, that the relationship I have with that book or that thing is still valuable, useful and serves a purpose right now.  When it serves me then it serves everybody else that I help.