A start...

© Jenn Shallvey

Deep inside of me is a person that wants to be free. I know this person intimately and well. Yet she is never seen nor heard, well at least in full. Instead she chooses to reveal glimpses, aspects and small pieces of her self. The whole self stays tucked away safe and hidden.  She has been hiding for a long time, as long as she can remember.

It was not always this way. There was a time, a time before the shattering, that she felt free, free to be her. She took risks, played, lived life to the full. Nothing scared her, well maybe an old Dracula movie or fright night on tv. She trusted people. She smiled and played with careless abandon believing that the world was good, that people were good. Well isn't this what she was told?

Her life seemed normal to others as well. Neighbours remarked about how nice she was, pleasant and well mannered. She was allowed to play next door with friends, ride her bike and wander the streets until the sun set. She lived a world of simple existence where creativity existed and moments were real.

She was real. This was the start.

You might say this is the start for most of us, right? As a child we come into the world free of judgement, worry, expectation, or critique. We start out as true to our selves as we possibly can be. What we feel on the inside is what you get on the outside. If we are in pain, you know we are in pain. If we are happy, you share in the joy. If we are uncertain or confused we ask questions. If we thought we knew the answer or trusted our own knowing we spoke up and told others our view. All was done innoncently, naievely and trustingly.

You could call the start the golden age of our lives. Ironically we tend to call the later years of life the golden age. In fact it's the beginning, before society and reality take their sharp cutting scalpels and firm hands and cut and mold us into what others want us to be.

The start is really the blank slate isn't it? It's the foundation. We always had it. It is still there even now. No matter what happens later this part of us is in fact always there. We simply forget. We forget to remember. 

And how easy is it to forget? As each day comes and we are bombarded with one new challenge after another eventually we give in, wear down. It is not done consciously or deliberately. It is like osmosis. No maybe it is more like entropy. Look those words up in your science textbook from 7th grade. Ok let's spare the science lesson.  Over time the forces around us can be stronger than our own. It is more like a battle of one will against many. And when the other wills are people we trust that we would normally turn to we are basically set up for defeat. Capitulating we give in. But we do not even know we give in until it is too late.

We wake up one day in our life and realise that we do not recognise our self. We do not know who we are. We have no idea who she is in the mirror looking back. People say things about us that do not match what we feel inside. We take actions and go through our day and exhaust ourselves putting on the show. It is not pretty.

Hmmm....depressing isn't it?  Yes. Well it can be. And when it gets to this point that is when it's time to say enough is enough. When you are finally tired of playing the game, fitting in, following the crowd it is time to stand up and be you. But first you need to remember to be you.

Every day from now on I invite you to say to yourself "I am remembering to be me".

Then lovingly and patiently give yourself a hug and say in your own time all will be right.